francineo's Blog

I have never done anything like this before. I rented a studio apartment for a week on the coast of maine. It is a place that i love more than anywhere else and my family used to take three weeks each summer to spend in a great neighborhood called harpswell. I am so lucky that i can return there this year on my own, to a place I consider home. I hope to take some time to think, reflect and decide what I am going to do in my present situation. I am so angry with jeff for the pain and angst he has caused me and my children. It was totally unnecessary and he will have to deal with the reprecussions later on in life from our youngest son. He has definitely changed and irrevocably changed the relationship he had with our oldest son and he just doesn't seem to grasp the enormity of what he has done to us as a family.

I just got a comment on one of my stories where the person felt that EP wasn't delivering them what they thought it would. It makes me feel sad that they are not getting the richness that this site can provide for those of us that feel misunderstood and so very alone. I have never felt so free to express myself without fear of repercussions as I have here on this site. I have made some good friends in the short time I have belonged and look forward to sharing more of my inner self with others that are more than happy to listen and share themselves with me. Good luck seeker, if you are not getting what you need from the site, you may need to look to yourself.

You may think people get away with things, but in the cosmic world it just isn't true. Mind is a builder, it can make things that are in the real world. Have any of you heard of the secret? In edgar cayces writings he talks about the mind as a builder and if you have ever read conversations with god it talks about the same concept with the collective mind. concentrate and visualize on the things you want. Take 5 minutes a day to do this. I am doing it with mega millions but as a novice at the art I don't have much faith it will work which may also work against me. we humans are complex and fascinating creatures with much more to us than meets the eye. Rejoice in your humanity and the powers you hold within your grasp if you just have the wisdom to take hold of them and use them for the betterment of mankind.

Some days are diamonds and some days are stones. Today was definitely a big ugly rock. The judge did not understand my drug tests. I am a pot smoker so have THC in my system. My tests have been sent out to the lab and the lab shows that my levels are decreasing. That is a good thing but the judge didn't get it. He is very short, under 5 feet 7 and his penis must reflect that. He seems to derive enjoyment from sitting behind a big desk which he must feel makes up for his lack of stature. I am dealing with a very sick man, my jeffery, who thinks that after calling CPS on me that we can be a happy family in the end. He has no clue that he has destroyed me, hurt my sons, and has changed the deep feelings I once harbored for him. I never loved any man the way I loved this one and now not only am I broken, but I must reevaluate my ability to choose a suitable partner for myself and my boys. I miss the Jeff I met, the one who swept me off my feet, the one who gave me my first org*** during the act. I can still smell his scent and feel the silk of his skin beneath my fingers. He tells me I am the love of my life, but who does the things he has done to us if they truly love me. It seems that he wants to hurt me emotionally and I fear that as I become stronger against him he will end up hurting me physically. I guess it will play out the way it is supposed to but I am ready to go back home to Long Island where I will be far from his toxic influence. It breaks my heart to no end to think that the 14 years we have spent together have gone up in a puff of noxious smoke. Why, oh why has this happened and why have I been hurt once again. I will never love like this again. It is not an idle threat nor a big shot remark, it is the truth as my soul cannot take another loss like this. Good bye love, no one will be allowed to enter the hallowed grounds of my heart anymore unless they are a child. I have lived a long time without love though I have been with jeff for so long, he is so focused on himself and I was too for too long and now it is over and I can tell you that my heart is broken and I wish i could have my jeffrey back but I know that it will never happen and that only pushes the knife further into me.

I am so proud of my son. He is everything a parent could hope for in a child. He works hard, has a lovely girlfriend who has ambitions and is unafraid to admit he loves his mom. He has been my rock, my comfort and strength through this most difficult of times. He loves his little brother and the little guy idolizes him. He doesn't drink, do drugs or smoke cigarettes. He is a computer genius and is a kind and compassionate young man. He treats his girlfriend with the utmost respect and is always there when she needs him. He is kind to little children and animals and would never intentionally hurt his girlfriend or anyone else for that matter. I am proud to be Lucas James' mother. I don't know what I did to deserve such a special child but I thank whoever saw fit to bless me with him. I love you son, and always will. You have made me a proud mama.

Tonight my little boy told me over the phone he doesn't miss me. He said he is used to it now. It has been almost two months since he has lived with me and each of those days seems like an eternity. My greatest fears seem to be coming true, that he will forget his life with me and all I have meant to him for the past 11 years. I was his constant in life and now I am just an afterthought. I cannot think of anything, not even the death of my mother that has hurt me so much. Thank god for my oldest son Luke. He held me in his arms as I cried my heart out. He told me he would never leave me. I told him he must, that is my job to let him go out into the world. I fear that he will feel responsible for me and curb his ambitions so that he can be here for me. Why is life so painful? Why do so many tears flow and there seems to be no comfort for the weary?

I never thought I would find a place on the internet where I felt I truly belonged. I am going through a very bad phase in my life and staying strong has become difficult. I have dealt with so much in my life, but taking away my son has brought me to my knees. I am not good at many things, but being a good mother was something I was so proud of. I guess the cosmos are telling me to keep that pride in check with the current situation. I am so frightened for the long term well being of my son, but i have to have faith that all I put into him was not for naught. Thank you each and every one of you that has reached out to me. I feel I have found a home on EP. Like Dorothy sez, theres no place like home. Peace out homies.

I gave all my love to a man. Bore his child, took care of him when he couldn't take care of himself. Left my job to drive him to a detox center. Put up with drunken ranting and raving and embarrassing behavior. He called Child Protective Service on me because I smoke pot. I have never felt so betrayed and hurt in all of my life. I am just a fool and I have no one to blame but myself. Never again, never again.